Thank you for finding my cell phone. I was looking every where for it.
Yeah. I called you to tell you, but you didn't pick up.
19 messages?
Yeah. I thought maybe there'd be, like, a reward involved,
so I just kept hammering away at it.
Listen.
Now that we agreed to start seeing other people, are you seeing other people?
- Do you really want to know that? - Yeah, I want to know that.
I don't want to know that.
You know, I've got some worse news.
You know that party you were going to have at my bar on sunday?
Yeah, the annual Gary's housepainting party.
That's where I drum up all my business by kissing all my clients'butts,
So why did you say like it's not happening?
- Because it's not happening. - What talking about? It's next sunday.
Somebody came in, and he reserved the whole bar for a private party.
I reserved the whole bar for a private party.
Yeah, but he put down a credit card.
You put down a fiver.
Hey, kids. All right.
Who's ready for 2 straight days of nonstop,
in-your-face laying around and doing nothing and probably lots of math?
Louise, honey, please make sure something
intelligent happens here this weekend, OK?
I'm like Jane goodall, mom. I'm only here to observe the apes.
Hey, Vanessa. I didn't expect to see you here.
You guys... you back on?
Why would you say that? Are you breaking up with me?
- Thanks a lot, Allison. - What? What? Wait. Wait. Wait.
You guys are teasing me. Great. OK. Good. Very nice.
Very nice. Thank you. I'm sorry. I couldn't resist.
Bye, Gary. I'm sorry about your party.
Yeah. You, too. What party?
What party? The annual Gary's housepainting party. Remember?
God, I am so glad I don't have to have that party at my house this year.
Can I have that party at your house this year?
- What? No. - Please. Please, come on.
All the contractors think you're hot,
and all the interior decorators think you're... fabulous!
- Please. - OK, under one condition.
No. I hate "one condition."
Look, you have to go with me up to big bear next weekend.
Beth and Jim are renewing their wedding vows.
No, I don't. Because you got Beth and Jim in the divorce.
I got the corn holders.
You mean donna and PJ.?
No, not the kornholters. The actual corn holders, the little
mini corn that you plug into the regular big corn...
- Corn holders. - Gary, yeah, I got it. Look.
You have to go. I mean, Beth is one of our oldest and dearest friends.
Oldest and dearest friend? What are you talking about? Every time you guys
are together, you just backstab each other and bicker and fight.
That's what girlfriends do, Gary. Jeez. You don't know women at all, do you?
Look, Gary, we were in their original wedding party.
I mean, if we don't go, it's gonna send a message
we no longer are interested in their happiness.
I'm Gary Brooks, and I approved that message.
All right. Well, good luck having your party here.
I hope your guests enjoy their hot pockets and frosted flakes.
All right. You know what? You win. OK. I'll go with you.
OK. Good. Good. I will pick you up at 5:00. Don't be late.
Have your bag packed. And for god's sakes, don't wear shorts.
I hate when your legs sweat all over my car seat.
- Didn't we already take this drive? - What?
For, like, 15 years?
- = 108 = - " Gary and Allison Brooks "
¤AkaZab¤
Subs-Addicts"
This is a nice room. You know, if mine's not this nice, we're gonna switch.
- About that. - Hey, what are you doing?
I told people. They know I'm here, and the ex-wife is always the first suspect.
Gary, I don't want you to overreact,
but I need you to do something for me, and you're not going to like it.
All right, but we got to go really fast because I want to get in the pool.
You say "really fast" like you do it any other way. So, I mean...
No, we... we have to share a room.
Really? Why? Are they all sold out?
Beth and Jim and everyone here still think we're married.
- Good-bye. - No, come on. Come on, Gary.
- What? - You know my relationship with Beth.
I can't have her gloat all weekend about how she's still married and I'm not.
OK. Hi. She is still married, and you're not.
I'm leaving.
Alli, are you in there? It's Beth.
Hang on, Beth! Hey, Gary, honey, let go of me!
I'm trying to answer the door! Please, Gary.
Look, if you do this, not only can you have your party at my house, but
I will cook, and I will flirt, and I will guarantee you 6 new jobs.
- 8. 8. 8. - 6. 6. 7.
- 50. - What? No. Fine.
Fine. Fine. 8. Fine. 8. But...
But remember, we're madly in love, OK?
And we're
totally into each other and we can't keep our hands off each other, OK?
I thought we were supposed to act like we're married.
You guys, what are you doing in there?
Just coming. Hang on. OK, here. Do you...
Promise to pretend
- to be my husband? - I do.
It's so nice when dolphins meet.
Look at you, gorgeous lady.
Me gorgeous? Look at you. You look great.
You have lost almost all your baby weight.
Thanks. Louise is 11.
Yeah, you look fabulous, too.
Looks like you've really been enjoying life, you know, out there in the
wind and the sun.
- So, Gary, how's the painting business? - It's going good.
Actually, I just signed a contract to get 8 new jobs.
Could you stop? Just stop doing that...
Because it's turning me on so much, and I don't...
I don't want be tired at the party from all the sex we're going to be having.
Right. Well, listen, everybody's down at the bar.
So why don't you two come join us down there after
- you've had a chance to... settle in. - Way in.
- You reckon? - Yeah. You got it, sweetie.
Our Molly is in every gifted class the school has to offer.
We are so proud.
That is great. You know, our Louise is in every gifted class, too.
Did I tell you she was contacted by NASA?
You mean that flyer she got from space camp?
They don't just give them to anybody.
I thought they did. It was on our windshield after a dodgers game.
Hey, you sexy man, would you go get us another round of drinks?
- God, yes. That's a good idea. - Thank you, gar bear.
You're welcome, all-batross.
You know, I'll go with you. I'll be right back honey.
No, I don't think...
Okey-dokey.
Stuart, you guys couldn't get out of this thing either?
No, but my wife had to agree to let me have a weekend
in Vegas by myself, no questions asked.
All right.
I got a lecture about how I'm Lucky to have anything at all.
Hey, guys, look who showed up.
Boy. Leslie Martin. She looks great.
Probably because she's divorced. She and glen split up last year.
She looks even better than imagine her when I'm having sex with my wife.
You know what I'm going to do, guys? I'm going to do something I did
not have the nerve to do 15 years ago. I'm going to go over just,
there and stand there and not say anything until it becomes so awkward
that she finally says hi to me.
Gary Brooks.
Hey, Leslie. I didn't even see you here. That's crazy.
- It's been forever. - Hey, sorry to hear about you and glen.
You know what I miss most about being married?
- What? - Absolutely nothing. Divorce awesome!
- That's great. - How's Allison?
- Who? - Your wife, Allison.
We split up... the driving
on the way here. We split it up.
She... she drove to riverside, and then I took over.
I'm glad you're here. You want to buy me a drink?
- They're free. - Just like me.
Poor Gary. So nice of him to talk to Leslie like that.
Can't imagine anything more sad than being divorced.
I don't know. What about throwing a party in honor of yourself maybe?
Look at him,
staring into her eyes and hanging on every little word she says.
Yeah. Well, that's my Gary. He's a great listener.
Looks like he'd like to listen her brains out.
This is ridiculous. You're making me wear pajamas?
Is it OK that I'm going commando,
or should I go back and put on some pull-ups?
I'm going to watch some Tv.
What's the matter, Allison?
- Nothing. - Really?
Then why are you doing that angry page-turn?
I don't know what you're talking about, Gary.
- Then what was that? - Coupon.
OK. As long as nothing's wrong, I'll drop it.
- Nothing's wrong. - OK. Great.
What the hell was with you and Leslie?
- I knew it. - Everybody knew it, Gary.
You were flirting with her all night. You're supposed to be married.
- Are you jealous? - Of course not, Gary.
I just don't want you to blow my cover.
I mean, admit it, you were, like, in full-on flirt mode, with the
dancing and joking and chewing with your mouth closed.
I mean, when was the last time you did that?
I'm surprised you even noticed any of that. I mean, were
spending the whole time trying to one-up Beth. It was embarrassing.
One time you told her tommy has no cavities.
Well, he doesn't. And their son, Joey, Braces. Yeah.
Look, Gary, the point is, please, would you stay away from Leslie?
- You took a vow. - I didn't take a vow. I took a deal.
Look. You know what? If you still want to have your party at my house,
you have to remember you and I are married.
You know what? I don't know how you managed this, Allison,
but somehow being married to you this time is worse than it was the last time.
I'm going to the vending machine, and I'm going to get ice.
And I'm only making one trip. So if you want anything,
you got to tell me now. Do you want anything?
You want some pretzels? You want, like...
A nutter butter or something? Some cheese crackers?
Peanut butter crackers? You want, like, a Kit-kat,
Snickers, Beechnut gum?
Maybe... All right.
- Bring me something with coconut. - Too late.
Hey, Leslie. Hi.
I'm just going to get ice.
Some inconsiderate person just took the last of it.
- Your bucket's all full. - I know. It was me.
I hear good things about your son's teeth.
Allison thinks i'm at the ice machine.
The machine's empty. We've got 20 min, a half-hour tops.
That's great. I can do it, like, 5 times.
- Wait. Hold on a second. This is crazy. - I know. It's so wrong. I love it!
No. I promised Allison I would be faithful this weekend.
Just this weekend?
Yes, which is ridiculous, because I just broke up with my girlfriend, so
- this weekend would have been perfect. - You have a girlfriend?
Had. I had a girlfriend. Now I don't have a girlfriend.
So I'm not really cheating on anyone, except my wife.
- Get on the bed. - OK. I'll get on the!
It's OK. This bed should have a warning track.
Why can't you ever remember your key, for...
- Hey, Beth. I thought you were. - Gary?
- Yeah. - I'm not.
Well, yeah. I see.
Where is Gary?
He went to get me something out of the vending machine.
That's nice. I bet he's getting a little something for himself, too.
Hey, let's go see Leslie. It'll be fun.
What happened here?
It looks like 2 people with ice buckets crashed into each other.
I wonder where the bodies are.
I can't do this.
Yes, you can. You're good at it. Trust me.
No, I can't. I'm jeopardizing the thing that's the most important to me.
Of course. Your marriage.
No. This party I'm having sunday night.
Leslie, yoo-hoo. It's Beth and Allison.
- Hey, you guys. - I've got to get out of here.
- What are you doing in there? - Nothing.
Just trying to sneak some guy out of my room.
Why would you say that? That's cra... you're being sarcastic. That's good.
OK. I have to go.
You know what? Maybe we should just leave her alone.
It sounds like she's with someone. Did you hear a man's voice?
Hey, you guys. What's up?
We just wanted to see what you were up to.
Well, Beth did mostly. I was in bed when Gary got up to get some ice...
Cream sandwiches.
You haven't seen him, have you, Leslie?
There he is.
- Gary, I thought you were... - Getting snacks for Allison? I was.
You're covered in leaves.
Wicked leaf fight with the best western across the street. We kicked their ass.
- Well, good night, you guys. - We're going to go make some love!
- Were you over in Leslie's room? - Yes. I was waiting for ice to be made.
- What did you do, just out her window? - I had to jump out a window.
I almost got caught red-handed doing nothing wrong by my pretend wife.
Gary. Now Beth thinks there's something wrong with our marriage.
Something's wrong with our marriage? I'm always the last to know.
What do you care what Beth thinks? She's a creep, that lady.
- She's like a comic-book villain. - Beth is the one person
who, from the beginning, said that we wouldn't make it,
and we didn't. OK? I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of being right.
- You're kicking me out? - Yeah, Gary,
and just like the last time, you're asking me if I'm kicking you out.
My gosh. Easy.
I can't believe you, Gary.
I asked you to do one tiny thing this weekend.
You couldn't do it. I knew I couldn't count on you.
And just as I did 15 years ago,
i'd like to repronounce Beth and Jim husband and wife.
Where's Gary?
He had to leave late last night. One of his paint trucks exploded.
It was horrible, but beautiful...
But horrible.
Thank you for coming, everybody.
We're so happy you were able to share this with us.
And I know some of you have been asking.
Yes, this is the same dress I wore 15 years ago.
For god's sakes.
- Hey. Sorry I'm late. - What are you doing here?
I'm here to let you know I'm not going to let you down.
You know what? Forget it, Gary. There's nothing you can say to make up to me.
Really? Could I have everybody's attention, please?
- What are you doing? - Gary, you snuck in.
You're pretty good at sneaking around.
Beth, remember when you were cheerleading in college and
you always wanted to know who was that hit you in the face with that peach?
Well, I'd like to come clean. It was a nectarine.
But watching Beth and Jim Renew their vows has really
inspired me, and I would like to Renew my vows
- with Allison right now. - No, no, we wouldn't.
We're real good. Allison.
- Look, I can't stand you. - I can't stand...
Here and act like
the times that we've spent together haven't been the best, because
- they have. - I will kill you.
And Allison would kill me if
I didn't mention the fact that our house is amazing. She keeps it immaculate.
And we have our 2 beautiful children.
Tommy, of course, with his mouthful of flawless teeth,
and
flight commander Louise H. Brooks.
- Shove a sock in it. - You know, the Russian poet
shovasockinit,
he,
he said love, like vodka, should flow freely between
2 lovers. And that's what it's like with me and Allison.
And I know when we first got together, some of you were doubters, Beth,
and... but here we are. We're still here.
We're still married. We're still very much in love. And Allison,
if I've done anything to disappoint you, even
something recently,
i'm sorry, and I just... I won't let you down.
That's all I got.
They want us to kiss.
Yeah, I should have thought this through more.
All right. Let me handle it.
Everybody. We're divorced.
What?
It has been 7 wonderful months.
In fact, I am already engaged to a doctor.
So... i'm sorry.
I didn't want everyone to know about me and Gary.
But now that you do,
- the truth feels good. - Allison, you're divorced?
I'm so sorry.
- We're divorced, too. - Oh my god!
I wasn't supposed to say that.
We still sleep together on occasion, though. You know...
I probably wasn't supposed to say that either.
Anyway, thanks, Allison.
We're in therapy.
We're not divorced, but things are looking pretty bad right now.
Thank you, Allison.
Would everyone please stop thanking Allison for being divorced.
I thought we all knew each other enough that we didn't have
- to lie about who we are. - I'm gay.
I'm sorry. I came out to Beth about 6 weeks ago, but,
we still love each other, aénd
we had already paid for all the floral arrangements...
Which I designed.
And
Beth is dealing with this new and exciting chapter of our lives. And...
come on. How many of you aren't surprised?
Jim, would you help me outside for some air, please?
Honey. Listen, everybody the bar's open, OK? And we'll be right back.
And also... i am dating a doctor.
- Well... - Well, good for him.
Hey, you didn't have to come here and rescue me, you know.
I wasn't here to rescue you. I was here to fulfill my marital duties.
Plus...
i hate when people pick on you. I always have.
What are you talking about? You did for 15 years.
Yeah, but I'm, like, really good at it.
Let's get a drink.
So... The Russian poet Shovasockinit?
Yeah. You know,
his muse was his wife, Oftenisabitch.
- Gary, we got a 3-hour drive. - All right.
We're leaving.
Yeah. Me, too. I just want to get back home and put this all behind me.
Pretty crazy weekend.
So, I hear your daughter is in the space program.
Yeah. We're very proud of her.
Hey, Gar. I'm gonna be in the car. I'll see you in 5 minutes?
Team Subs-Addicts"